Entry #23 He’s Home!!!! “Smell”

Dear Diary,

I just went through the longest yet best day yesterday. To prove the ultimate wimpy factor for myself I somehow did not plan for the civilian world to be another factor somehow delaying his return. In my mine everything was going to be wonderful and on time.... So when it wasn’t and my perfect dream of walking up to him with the kids was crushed it was pretty devastating and wimp factor 1000 came out. Luckily Captain Wimpy Pants has the BEST family who were able to swoop in and save my day. If I was waiting alone for him with the kids I may have gone to a public toilet and cried myself a good something, but I wasn’t alone....

No we all piled in our cars and went to Chick Fil A and it was the best so take that San Antonio Airport for not putting a chick fil a in your airport!!!

Then after a couple MORE hours the absolute best thing happened!!!! He came home!!!! He walked down the steps and he saw his beautiful children with his beautiful face and he was ours again!!!!


I am SO grateful for ALL the help we have received from friends and family members. The longest, hardest, wimpiest almost 7 months and somehow we made it and came out stronger!

I bawled like a baby just watching him hug his children. Kael just stood there dumb stuck and I asked what was going through his head. He replied, “I feel like crying mom!” So I told him to CRY I was crying and it’s ok! These are happy tears and to get over there and not leave his Dad’s side. And he did. He cried and hugged his Dad and it was the sweetest reunion. He NEEDS his Dad. It was beautiful.

We made it home and I am pretty sure the dogs missed him more than me somehow... I’m not sure how that’s possible, but they went nuts. Absolutely nuts!!! It was hilarious.

And now it’s 5 am and I can’t sleep because he is laying here next to me and I can smell him!! It is the best smell and that is why God gave us 5 senses because my husband smells AMAZING!!! His presence is calming and perfection.

I’m not sure how this wimpy Mom survived, but we did it and the joy after all the heartache and missing and longing is beautiful!

Just for the smell of him....


I’ve got a husband to smell to I’m going to be a little busy so don’t be sad if I don’t write for a while diary.


Love,
Wimpy Mom

Entry #22 Memories

Dear Diary,

One last wimpy post before he comes home. I'm so ecstatic that in less than 24 hours I will get to hug and kiss my best friend again. I no longer think of experiences in life as "the hardest thing I have ever done". I just can't compare because I feel like I have done MANY hard things in life. They are all just different.

However, the feeling inside on a good day is ALWAYS a good day. All the difficult days were worth it for this feeling of joy and anticipation. I have missed my best friend and he is almost home.

I don't ever want to forget what this feels like. Time will pass and then eventually we will have to do this again. I can't process that yet, but I know I have accomplished something awesome and I'll take that even if I was wimpy while doing it.

I want my kids to know I am proud of them. This was not easy for them also. They were able to realize time passes though and we can have joy in the journey. I think we made a lot of good memories and had some really great letters, phone calls, texts, pictures and facetime with Dad. We were blessed with awesome technology to communicate with him while he was gone which really kept him a part of our lives.

This next year is going to bring many more "different' challenges and memories. Today though we are finishing our first deployment. We rocked it! We are stronger and happier because of it. We did something tough and we succeeded.

Now somehow I need to sleep so I can actually function tomorrow, except I think I'll be good until I crash. Feel like we are about to go to Disneyland or have 10 Christmas's in a row. So many happy emotions.

Did I mention Captain Wimpy Pants comes home TOMORROW May 9th?! Because he does. And he can help this wimpy Mom out, because somehow I will always be a wimp, but I will be a stronger wimp because of him.

Peace out deployment, I'm done with you!

Sincerely,
Wimpy Mom

Entry #21 I don't know...

Dear Diary,
    First, I just don't know what to write. I have failed to keep up writing as time went on. As usual. I over booked myself the last 3 months. The kids all wanted to do soccer, so what do I do? I sign them all up for soccer. It was so much work. SO much work, but we had SO much fun. The challenge of getting up early on a Saturday to make an 8 am rainy game was so worth the headache for all the fun memories. Cheering on siblings and improving and supporting each other. Not to mention it was nice to stay busy while Dad was gone.

    It is a surreal experience being on the other side of the deployment. I can remember this time last year finding out that Derek would be leaving. An entire year ago, which seems a life time. Knowing that we volunteered for this journey did not make that news any less crushing of a reality and having to face it. Something I have learned from this experience is that life really is about the choices we make. We get to decide how we feel about our life circumstances. We get to decide if we are happy or not. We get to decide the journey, and how we want to handle it. Choice or agency is one of the greatest gifts from God, and I am grateful for the choices my family has made.

    We chose to be happy, and to love others. We chose to serve our country. This was not the way we imagined serving others initially, but it has been such a unique and uplifting journey. We have learned so many new things, and we are definitely stronger from this journey. I'm glad we didn't choose an easier route. I feel like we have been broken down and built stronger.

    I am looking forward every second of every day to see Derek again. Losing my Dad and Rick has shown me real loss, and so the joy I feel being able to see Derek again is so sweet and so special. It's so close. Seeing the joy come on the kids faces when they talk of seeing Dad again is so precious.

     I have been told recently by several people it seemed like the time flew by and that he only just left, and then it is followed by the same question how did it seem for you? When you aren't thinking of a person every second of every day the time does pass for that. For me, there were times when the time was extremely fast, but most of the time it went backwards. Keeping focused on the children and their needs was a good distraction and helped, but there wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't thinking of Derek and hoping he was well. Or worried something might go wrong. So yes, it went quickly, but in other ways it was an eternity.

     I look forward to helping someone else in the future who is going to face this journey. It is unique, and special, but so rewarding if you just want to do a little good in the world.

    So, here at the end of the journey, I guess I feel gratitude. Gratitude for all the help we have received. Gratitude that we made it, and safe! Gratitude for so many things. For changing and becoming stronger and the person and family we are now.

    I had a friend tell me last night that when we are newly married with young children and still in school we have the mentality that if we just get through med school then things will get better, then if I just make it through residency then things will get better, then on and on. If older Sharice could go back to younger Sharice I would laugh at myself. I have ALWAYS implemented the quote "Find joy in the journey", but I feel like more now than ever. Life is LIFE. There will ALWAYS be challenges, and hardships to face. It's the choices we make and our attitude that determine how well we will conquer and succeed in this life. I have gratitude for every step of this journey so far. I am SO grateful to Derek for bringing me an the kids along for this ride. I LOVE our life together. Life is better because we are a we. Goodness I miss him and each step closer he gets to home my heart gets more full and feels like bursting.

My Dad use to say, " When Derek is gone, we all miss Derek", because I would talk non stop about missing him, so everyone had to miss him with me. Except this is true. We all miss Derek. And in 3 short days that ache can go away and I am GRATEFUL!


Random thoughts for the night.

The kids started swim team tonight. It was a challenge since they haven't swam hard since last summer. Poor Elara was so exhausted, scared of drowning, and suffered through it. There were tears, but I think she will make it. Connor loves the water and loved his time in the water. Kael and Eden are excited to become better swimmers.

Soccer is officially over for spring. The last games for everyone were canceled and it was a sad day. We are officially getting ready for Dad to get home. The last "We serve too" club meeting is tomorrow. That has been such a huge blessing for the kids.

One day at a time.

Love,
Wimpy Mom

Entry #20 Thoughts on google dictionary, speech, fish and loaves of bread

Dear Diary,

Inadequate. That is how I feel tonight. Inadequate...  Google dictionary describes the word as an adjective. Meaning: lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.

My purpose is to take care of my family. To help those around me. To provide a loving home, that is safe, and cultures learning and growth. And to help my children grow in every aspect they need.

With all those beautiful things I get to do, I just have been feeling lacking and insufficient in all that I am doing for my family. It is NEVER enough. There just isn't enough of me to accomplish everything.

I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself because probably every mother in the world feels like they need 3 more of them self copied and one Mom for cleaning, one Mom for driving kids everywhere, one Mom for medicine, one Mom for homework, etc. There are a lot of roles to fill being a Mom. Especially a Mom with a husband deployed who is quite wimpy.

Connor was in speech therapy until about a year ago when he just barely qualified to get out of speech... In my joy, I said I would continue to work with him at home. After all, starting in the fall he and I would be home alone while the 3 big kids were at school. Then, we moved during the summer. Then, Derek deployed and all my hopes and dreams of one on one with Connor somehow didn't turn out how I wanted and I became so inadequate to fulfill his speech requirements.

I had him retested today, and he is at a new 3 year old level and he turns 4 at the end of the next month or in 33 days to be precise. So not a huge deficit, but enough.

Why isn't there a magic button for Mom's that is a loud announcer that shouts out, "Don't be down, you are doing ok, keep going!" every time life gets chaotic. Or, "it will be ok and I promise your kid will turn out a normal human being who thrives in society someday."

I guess that's why God gave us church. It must be that little announcer for us... Our new program at church is called, "Come Follow Me". We are learning in the New Testament and tonight while reading an awesome quote came up right as I was feeling "inadequate". 


"Have you ever felt inadequate to meet all the needs you see around you—in your home, in your relationships, or in society? Jesus’s disciples must have felt inadequate when He asked them to feed over five thousand hungry people (see Matthew 14:21) when there were only five loaves of bread and two fish available. As you read about the miracle that happened next, ponder how God might use your humble offerings of service to bless those around you."

So, I guess what I learned tonight is that my meager 5 loaves of bread, and 2 fish I have for my kids is enough. They will get what they need. I just need a little faith, and to not give up on them. I know I didn't "fail" Connor by not working harder on his speech. There were a million other strings pulling me in other directions... I got my family moved, my husband deployed, Thanksgiving, Christmas, school, piano lessons, soccer games, sick snuggles, LOTS of sick snuggles, and a LOT of love with those few loaves of bread and fish I have had to offer the last year.  I just need to replenish them and keep giving what I have and let the Lord take on the rest I guess.

Then, before I know it Captain Wimpy Pants will get home and I can pass the torch on to him for a while.

Wimpy Mom fried brains is starting to stink up. It must be time for bed. Until I can form another coherant thought.
Good night and adieu,

Wimpy Mom

Entry #19 Wimping by. Kind of like gimping by. I know it's not that funny. Laugh anyway ok.

Dear Diary,

Did I mention I through this amazing dance party last month? See what I miss out on being too wimpy to write in my diary...

For Valentines Day, Captain Wimpy Pants (aka My husband/ kids Dad who is making us wimpy) sent the kids these amazing gorgeous pop up Valentines cards. They were amazing! Kael got a dragon, Elara a unicorn rainbow, Eden a lady bug , and Connor a train. Mine was a hedgehog on a mushroom and SO cute. He also somehow managed to have flowers shipped to me. Made my box I shipped him with swedish fish, and cadbury eggs look pathetic.

It really was so sweet. Shortly after on the 22nd of February I through a Daddy/Daughter Dance for activity days. It is our church program for girls ages 7-11. Derek's cousins Andrew and Blake took Elara and Eden to the dance. Kael was so sick I took him to the doctor that day. He and I had been sick forever.

The dance was amazing if I say so myself and I do. I put a TON of work into it. There was a photo booth, everyone got to decorate their own cupcake, they decorated tiaras, the music was amazing, we filled 500 balloons for a balloon drop, we had bubbles, and spent all day decorating. I have really enjoyed working with the other activity days leaders. It has definitely been fun even though it's also crazy at times. We have almost 20 active girls for only 3 leaders.

The next day was the pinewood derby. Andrew and Blake had also put in a ton of work helping Kael build his pinewood derby car. He wanted to win so badly and to have a pretty sweet looking car. They taught him so many things and had him help all along the way. It was such a great experience. Kael ended up taking 3rd place for the webelos and 4th place for the entire group of about 26 boys! We felt like that was a huge win and was so fun to actually have such a fast car!

I am just so grateful for all the angels in our lives while Derek is gone. We have been so blessed this entire journey. Family and friends have really stepped up to make sure we have a positive experience and our whole family is so grateful.

The 3 big kids started playing soccer at the end of February and life has gotten crazy busy! Soccer practices during the week and games all day on Saturdays.

March brought spring break. We kept busy ALL week and it turned out to be really fun. Soccer games kicked us off March 9th, church on the 10th. On Monday the 11th we did a beach trip in the morning and it was so worth the exhaustion to see the waves. The kids even got in. I wasn't brave enough and didn't want to drive home wet. Wimpy Mom cannot stand driving for hours wet and sandy. Eden had soccer practice that night because we don't take a break from kids activities during spring break apparently. Then, Tuesday we went to How to Train Your Dragon 3. It was amazing. And yes, I cried, because wimpy Mom's cry at everything. Then, more soccer practice and gymnastics. Wednesday was another fun movie that was an oldie. We saw Matilda at the theater and it was super fun watching it with the kids. That day brought more soccer practice, and gymnastics. Before practice though Kael noticed Merlin was looking off. He actually started having seizures. Our poor lizard was SO sick. I was able to get him an appointment at the veterinary clinic. We brought him in and it turned out Merlin was dying... It was so sad. They kept him over night in hopes maybe he would get better. The next morning he actually looked worse and we had to make the very sad decision to put Merlin down. It was a long couple of days and was so hard for both the kids and myself. Our sweet lizard had been such a good friend to us. His lights were always a comfort for me and he was just so sweet.

Thursday morning the kids had piano lessons and then we went to say goodbye to Merlin. We got to bring him home in a box. I then had a CT scan for my sinuses that won't ever heal. We had plans to go camping in San Marcos with our family and they were so kind to let us bury him up there. Kael passed off several scout certifications with the help of Derek's cousins. We had a huge fire and roasted hot dogs, sausage and marshmallows. We had to hold Connor back from the fire because the kid loved trying to walk right into it. I made a smash cake for Juli's birthday. It was so fun. The boys up there decided to make her a high chair to eat the cake in. It is going to be a fun new tradition.

The weather was absolutely perfect for camping and was so fun. Only thing that could have made it perfect was if my air mattress didn't deflate in the middle of the night. We came home Friday and I got medicine because the CT showed I have a sinus infection that I've basically been fighting since the beginning of January! It was nice to finally realize something is in fact not right and I have been feeling lousy for a reason. I got put on 3 more weeks of antibiotics. Then, the preparations for the weekend began because we had an 8 am soccer game the next morning. Soccer was super fun on Saturday. Sunday, Connor gave his first ever talk in church and it was so cute and so sweet. I am so proud of him!

Monday was back to school and the fun festivities were over. The busy routines are back and we are plugging along as hard as we can until we can take a break and see our Captain Wimpy Pants when he gets home in less than 2 months!!! Can you believe that!? Miracles do happen and time does pass, some days slow and some days fast, but it is always passing whether we want it to or not.

Our sweet Eden turned 9 on March 18, 2019. She has been looking forward to this birthday probably since the day after her birthday last year. She decided she wants a friends birthday party, which will take place this coming Friday. On the day of though I brought her cupcakes for her class at school, and got her McDonalds for her lunch and ate lunch with her at school. She was so sweet and so happy and said life was so good she felt she didn't need any presents. She is such a kind girl and is so fun to be around. She is always happy and energetic and is such a wonderful daughter and sister. She is so good to always try and include her siblings especially Elara. I'm so proud of the young lady she is becoming. For her birthday dinner she wanted breakfast for dinner. Then, she had soccer practice that night and when we got home she got to open her presents from Mom and Dad and her birthday cards from Grammy, Grandma Heaton, and Grandma Sapp.

The girl is spoiled, but it was so worth it to see her face as she was spoiled. She got a $45 shopping trip with Mom for clothes, 3 new pairs of earrings with one as her birth stone, and a karaoke machine.

We sure love her so very much! Then we proceeded to give her birthday spanking through the birthday tunnel. She happily obliged.

Now it is prep for her friends party. It should be amazing. Pokemon games and Pokemon themed everything. She told me she wanted a "Bulbasar" themed party. I had to use google for that, and it turns out it is pretty fun with lots of ideas to pull from.

We are staying so so busy, but it really does help pass the time because the anticipation of Captain Wimpy Pants getting home is growing exponentially.

It is so late. I need to stop. Maybe just maybe I can find time to write more often so it won't take this long next time... Or not.

Entry #18 Wimpy Mom Vomit

Dear Diary,

I've decided people don't want to hear about how someone who is going through a difficult time is "really" doing. It's a polite way of saying hello is all... If you answer cheerfully, "Life is hard, but we are managing, and we've made it this far and by golly we are gonna do great!" They love it and makes them feel good because they were considerate of you, but don't have to do anything.

If you answer more truthfully, "Do you REALLY want to know?" Life sucks most of the time, it's really hard, I don't know how to stay on top of everything, but I know you don't want to really have to put in time that you don't have to find a way to help, so please don't feel bad, and now you know it's hard and that's really how I'm doing."

Then, they feel like crap because they don't know how to help you not that they probably could help, but they just leave feeling weird, like wow sucks to be her...

It's better to just politely smile and get on with life and if you really do need help with something to think of someone specifically to help, or nothing gets done.

I'm a wimp though and hate asking for help.

Some things on my to do list haven't gotten checked off since right after Derek left...
-Still can't figure out what kind of edging line I need to buy.
-Still need to dump old gasoline and buy new gasoline for my lawn mower.
-Million kids school papers to file.
-Light bulbs purchased and changed out.
-And the never ending to do list goes on...

If anyone wants to accomplish those things for this wimpy Mom I'd grately appreciate it.

The point of all this isn't to make people feel bad, or to complain... I guess I've just been thinking a lot lately, do people REALLY want to know how I am doing when they ask?

I don't always get asked "how" I'm doing... Now it's how long has he been gone? Oh that's great you've come so far... To which sometimes I feel like wanting to scream I still have forever to go...

But I put on that smile and do my best to hold my crap together.... Because although I am wimpy, I am also polite.

I've really been feeling down lately. More like a roller coaster, I feel super powered at some moments and then others to be honest I'm sitting on the floor bawling like a baby. (totally allowed on wimpy mom blogs) Like the time two days ago when I kicked a soccer ball and sprained my thumb. That hurt... "Another long story"

I've been finding it getting harder and harder to be positive and have really felt lost lately. I've been told I am enthusiastic and happy, and the longer this goes on the less I feel that way, or not the less I am, but the less I "want" to be enthusiastic and happy, and at times it feels like I'm losing it... Coo coo crazy pants. I'd like to blame the winter blues for making me so wimpy this last month.

BUT, it's time to change. I can be wimpy AND positive. And I'm going to look for the positive, happy, good things for the next 3 1/2 months. Because even if it is the downhill finally, it is a VERY long hill to go down...

Now, that being said, funny stories. Derek got the kids Just Dance for Christmas. Almost every night before bed we have a dance off party. Kael wins EVERY single time. He hops around and sticks out his tongue, but he WINS! It's rather funny and it's something even Connor can get into.

The dentist at the kids last dentist appointment told Elara to start wiggling one of her baby teeth because the permanent tooth is growing in behind it. I've been lazy and not wanting to wiggle it... She REALLY wants it out though. She just doesn't have the strength to get it wiggly because without the other tooth pushing it out it is basically stuck.

So, last night she got really brave and we got dental floss and she wanted us to try slamming the door to pull the tooth out. We tried about 5 times and the knot would come untied. She was never afraid and just kept wanting to try even though I'm sure it had to hurt a little.... She was so excited to tell Heidi what we did, and try again tonight.

Heidi knows her stuff and knew the tooth wasn't wiggly enough so she was cranking on the tooth. We tried thread this time and made it double thick and did like 10 knots. When we slammed the door the thread just snapped off! She wanted to try again so we did and it happened again. It made it slightly more wiggly and the thread was still attached to her tooth so she had Kael grab the thread and yank really hard! The thread just broke again. It got a little more wiggly and bled, but I think more because she scratched her gums.

She is SO brave and wants to just keep trying. Hopefully we get the tooth out soon so the other tooth has some room to grow. I can't believe how brave she is.

She was also super excited to tell us tonight her teacher is going to have a baby. Her cute face was so fun hearing her tell the story. She also got picked to have a speaking part in her music class performance!

Kael is such a sweet big brother. Elara cried for about 30 minutes after school because Kael and Eden got to go to a friends house to play and she didn't. When Kael got home and heard he went up to talk to her and promised her he would play minecraft with her and to not be sad. What big brother does that?! He is amazing!

Eden can do a back bend all on her own now. She went to karate tonight and was so excited she convinced her class to try and do the splits! She is always so happy and energetic. She is such a light and always sees the good even when life is hard.

I'm worried about Connor's speech. I think he is starting to have more vocabulary, but I'm not sure about his comprehension... I should probably get it checked out, but it is just one more thing on the list...

Freya has scratches on her nose that have me worried... I'll probably take her to the vet. And thankfully Odin is all vaccinated for another year! No reaction this year and he did great. A lot more expensive though.

I don't know if I ever wrote about Heidi coming to stay with us. As I try to remember the positive, Heidi is definitely the most positive part of our lives. Heidi is Derek's cousin and is going to Physical Therapy Assistant school. She is basically the coolest person I know and has become my favorite girl roommate ever. Heidi's school was about a 2 hour drive from San Marcos in traffic, so she asked to live with us during the week. I LOVE having our spare bedroom and I am so happy she is here.

I have definitely needed her as a friend, and she helps with the kids, and makes us all feel so happy whenever she is around. She is one of my favorite people ever. I'm so excited, happy, and overjoyed she will be here with us until Derek gets back. If I can't have Derek then Heidi is definitely the next best thing.

Heidi listens to what I like to call Mom vomit. She has taken on Derek's roll of coming home and hearing all about my day. Whatever random thought enters my mind, Heidi gets to hear all about it. And I don't know how she does it, but she listens, has all the right reactions, and laughs with me every time. It's amazing.

And for my grand finale. Heidi and I were cleaning up the dishes tonight because have I mentioned how cool Heidi is? She helps do my dishes people! So she washed and I was drying and putting away dishes and I went to a bottom shelf and opened the cupboard and I screamed like a a a I don't know I screamed REALLY LOUD and yelled and ran away and slammed the cupboard shut.

Heidi was laughing what is it?!

A COCKROACH! A GIANT COCKROACH! Yes, I squealed/yelled...

So, I got the spray and Kael came running in to our rescue. He emptied the cupboard and sprayed the nasty thing! Kael has definitely took man of the house seriously and he is so brave. haha

Heidi then looked and laughed and said, "It's big, but not as big as I imagined". Probably because I screamed so loud. haha

Wimpy Mom!

Then, Kael got the mini vacuum and sucked that baby up and put it in the trash.

THE END!


Love,
Wimpy Mom

PS: I miss Captain Wimpy Pants

Entry #17 100 down

Dear Diary,

In kindergarten they make a big deal about the 100th day of school. It's pretty awesome. They usually have a party and do crafts that represent 100 or something along those lines. I should know my 3rd kid is in kindergarten this year and the 100th day of school is coming up next month.

Derek has reached his 100 day mark away from us, and you know what? I feel pretty accomplished. We are close to the half way mark depending on when he gets back of course. It's been long, eventful, and a lot of work, but I'm certain one day I'll look back and be glad we went through this growing experience. Today was a good day. I got the kids to school on time. I exercised and did some squats. I played with Connor. Took a short nap. Worked on some projects. I walked and picked up the kids from school. The weather was beautiful. I went to a friends house for dinner and pizza. The kids got to play. We cheered on the young women from church playing volleyball. They took 1st place. And we came home and got ready for bed. It's a lot of work doing all of that by myself. And I did it. And we all had fun along the way. So, 100 days is a big accomplishment and I think I'll go to bed feeling pretty good tonight. 100 down. About 100 more to go.

If only I could have 100 entries by the time he got home.... Nahhh I'm too wimpy for that.

Love,
Sharice