Dear Diary,
Inadequate. That is how I feel tonight. Inadequate... Google dictionary describes the word as an adjective. Meaning: lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.
My purpose is to take care of my family. To help those around me. To provide a loving home, that is safe, and cultures learning and growth. And to help my children grow in every aspect they need.
With all those beautiful things I get to do, I just have been feeling lacking and insufficient in all that I am doing for my family. It is NEVER enough. There just isn't enough of me to accomplish everything.
I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself because probably every mother in the world feels like they need 3 more of them self copied and one Mom for cleaning, one Mom for driving kids everywhere, one Mom for medicine, one Mom for homework, etc. There are a lot of roles to fill being a Mom. Especially a Mom with a husband deployed who is quite wimpy.
Connor was in speech therapy until about a year ago when he just barely qualified to get out of speech... In my joy, I said I would continue to work with him at home. After all, starting in the fall he and I would be home alone while the 3 big kids were at school. Then, we moved during the summer. Then, Derek deployed and all my hopes and dreams of one on one with Connor somehow didn't turn out how I wanted and I became so inadequate to fulfill his speech requirements.
I had him retested today, and he is at a new 3 year old level and he turns 4 at the end of the next month or in 33 days to be precise. So not a huge deficit, but enough.
Why isn't there a magic button for Mom's that is a loud announcer that shouts out, "Don't be down, you are doing ok, keep going!" every time life gets chaotic. Or, "it will be ok and I promise your kid will turn out a normal human being who thrives in society someday."
I guess that's why God gave us church. It must be that little announcer for us... Our new program at church is called, "Come Follow Me". We are learning in the New Testament and tonight while reading an awesome quote came up right as I was feeling "inadequate".
"Have you ever felt inadequate to meet all the needs you see around
you—in your home, in your relationships, or in society? Jesus’s
disciples must have felt inadequate when He asked them to feed over five
thousand hungry people (see Matthew 14:21)
when there were only five loaves of bread and two fish available. As
you read about the miracle that happened next, ponder how God might use
your humble offerings of service to bless those around you."
So, I guess what I learned tonight is that my meager 5 loaves of bread, and 2 fish I have for my kids is enough. They will get what they need. I just need a little faith, and to not give up on them. I know I didn't "fail" Connor by not working harder on his speech. There were a million other strings pulling me in other directions... I got my family moved, my husband deployed, Thanksgiving, Christmas, school, piano lessons, soccer games, sick snuggles, LOTS of sick snuggles, and a LOT of love with those few loaves of bread and fish I have had to offer the last year. I just need to replenish them and keep giving what I have and let the Lord take on the rest I guess.
Then, before I know it Captain Wimpy Pants will get home and I can pass the torch on to him for a while.
Wimpy Mom fried brains is starting to stink up. It must be time for bed. Until I can form another coherant thought.
Good night and adieu,
Wimpy Mom
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